10.27.2008

When It Hits the Fan

You will never believe what happened to me this morning. It's so revolting. So disgusting. So massively shameful, I don't know why I'm even telling you.

If you've seen the movie "Sex and the City", here's a hint: Charlotte in Mexico.

Yes, that's right, I SHIT MY PANTS. I'll just let that statement sink in as you come to grips with the image of a 32 year old woman shitting her pants.

So, I woke up this morning to an unsettled, rather rumbly stomach. I immediately attributed this condition to the four reduced fat Pillsbury cinnamon rolls I ate for dinner last night. You know, the refrigerated kind that come in a tube with a little pot of sugar icing? Yeah, that kind. And yes, I realize that eating FOUR reduced fat cinnamon rolls defeats the whole purpose of getting the reduced fat version. What can I say? I am weak when faced with a plate of warm cinnamony goodness. Don't be a cinnamon roll hater!

While I am a huge fan of the refrigerated cinnamon rolls, clearly they are not kind to me. I really can't remember the last time I ate said cinnamon rolls, but I do not recall such a violent physical reaction.

Aaaaanyway, I woke up, duly noted the unsettled nature of my stomach and went about the business of getting ready for work. If there had been unreasonable pain or discomfort accompanying the unsettled rumblings, I may have taken more notice. Alas, I got in my car and toodled off.

Traffic wasn't abominable, but congested enough to slow things down considerably. The rumblings persisted and grew in urgency. At about Hillsboro Road, the rumblings became vicious growls and painful cramps. This is when I started to panic.

By commute standards, my commute is rather nice. The thing I like most about my drive to work is that it meanders through state parks, past fields and horse pastures, and through residential neighborhoods. While this is lovely every other day of the week, today it was torture. There was no McDonalds, no Target, no Publix to skid into and use the facilities. No, I realized my situation was turning desperate as my intestines revolted and protested in earnest.

And then, suddenly, with tears forming in my eyes, the dam simply would not hold any longer and a full-blown shit storm erupted in my pants.

Oh the shame.

The immense psychological damage involved when one shits their pants is astounding. Truly.

I had no choice but to turn around and drive home in my disgusting mess. I waddled upstairs, immediately got in the shower and washed away the shit and tears. If ever the universe was telling me to take a "mental health" day, today was that day! The dread and imminent threat of further shit storms has me holed up in isolation as I recover from the intense trauma of shitting my pants.

The three minutes it took you to read this are lost forever. You will never get those three minutes back. For this, I apologize.

11 comments:

mom said...

HOLY COW! those must have been some cinnamon rolls. either that or you certainly go to extremes to take a mental health day. I say stick with the high fat, high calorie stuff. your system is just too sensitive for that unnatural stuff. but, hey, thanks for the warning and have a really good MH day !!

boty said...

I'm laughing so hard I can barely type! OMFG TOOO FUNNY!

Sometimes it's ok to shit in your pants and car...it was an emergency! Why didn't you pull off the side of the road and just have your intestinal explosion in a ditch? LMAO tooooo fucking funny!

Can just picture the "waddle up the stairs" LMFAO....oh goodness potty emergencies are so funny when they happen to someone else!

So did you finish off the buns after you showered? I KNOW YOU DID!

mom said...

I have to admit, once it sunk in I chuckled about it all the way home from work. One question...did Diva Gwennie check you out prior to your mad dash to the shower? I can only imagine her utter dismay at your predicament. LOL

Gibbarella said...

tears are forming in my eyes too from laughter....I am so sorry but it made me feel better about my day, so thanks. OMG that is so freakin funny. I hate that feeling but next time you have to remember to breathe, like you are about to have a baby or something and just calm yourself down with some soothing breaths and that has always helped me get that last 5 minutes out of an IBS emergency. My mom is the queen of these situations. She has had my dad stop 3 times within one mile of a 4lane highway to poop in a ditch, and behind a stop sign. And yes a stop sign at 8ft in the air does not cover up much of a white womans butt while squatting. Oh and she has pooped on a dirt road with the headlights shining at her. LOL. My mom, gotta love her.

Terah Lynn said...

Oh friend :( I am so sad this was the start of your week. I do hope that you are feeling better now!

Delirious said...

I dunno if my horror story beats yours ('cause after all horror is in the eye of the beholder), but here goes:

I had my period yesterday morning, so I put on a pad, some dark blue jeans and a black top and went to work. We had an important event going on (conference) outside the office so I was too busy preparing for it, I only got to change my pad once.

When I got back to the office, I discovered with horror that the front of my jeans was RED between the legs.

I rushed to the toilet, changed the pad, tried to dab at the jeans and control the damage and wished I could be anywhere but there.... 70 km away from home!!

I will spare you the details of how I spent the next two excruciating hours before my day was over and I was finally able to rush home under the shower!!

cathryn said...

Oh Del! Yeah, that's pretty horrible...especially since you couldn't just drive home. At least it's comforting to know that disasters like this happen to everyone at some point!

Jannie Funster said...

Hey, it happens to ALL of us at one time or another.

You are not alone in this.

Frank said...

Well... it happens.

And probably to more us than we realize.

Maybe those cinammon rolls contained "olestra" or some other synthetic non-oil. Those are known to cause all sorts of digestive upsets and they are in some low-calorie foods. I think even the label says "may cause oily discharge". Causes some pretty serious cramping on my end.

cathryn said...

Frank - yeah that "olestra" stuff is pretty gross...but makes for hilarious SNL skits! (does anyone remember that? funny stuff!)

Guess I ought to read labels a little more closely... or... um...just read them ;)

boty said...

I have nothing to do so am reliving my favorite blogs...."full blown shit storm" LMFAO....ah it never fails to make me laugh and ooze salted eye fluid!