Alright, I’m coming clean with y’all. On December 1st, a brand new human being, entirely dependent upon Daniel and me, will emerge from my body. Assuming all goes as planned. Though some of you are already aware of this information, I’ve been dodgy about making a GRAND ANNOUNCEMENT, for reasons of which I am not entirely sure.
All my adult life, I have wavered in my desire to have children. One minute I’d be imagining building a treehouse with a dorky little curly-haired kid and the next minute I’d think “kids!? Oh heck no, I’ve got more important things to do!.” Everybody has kids. Being a parent automatically makes you typical. And if there’s one thing that really puts a knot in my underpants, it’s being typical. Being a parent suddenly means your days of selfishness are O.V.E.R. Travel, career, sleep, sex – lots of things you are able to enjoy and pursue with abandon as a non-parent, become difficult or even impossible once your status changes.
I guess something happens when you find that person. You know the one. The one with whom, impossibly, you connect on unimaginable levels. And the prospect of sharing a parenting adventure with that person and imparting little pieces of your selves into a new life is thrilling. And then you think, “there’s nothing more important to me than this”.
That’s when you look at yourself in the mirror and think, “whoa! Who ARE you? And what have you done with Cathryn?”
Then suddenly you’re pregnant and that’s when things get really freaky.
I have never ever fantasized about, or even imagined myself being pregnant. It’s like, my self-identity does not include being pregnant. Being pregnant is not a part of who I am. And yet, here I am, for another 6 months incubating a little parasite. The body you thought you knew so intimately, becomes very unfamiliar and frankly it’s unsettling, bordering on scary. Hormones make you exceedingly cranky and weepy. Nausea sneaks up on you for no apparent reason and punches you in the gut several times a day. Foods you’ve loved all your life now make you vomit. Your brain clearly remembers being able to stay up late into the night having fun, but now you’re lucky if you make it to 8:30. So far, pregnancy has been mostly disorienting and frustrating. I am impatiently waiting for the day my “glow” arrives.
Then 2 weeks ago we went to the doctor and she pressed this Doppler thingy to my abdomen and all I could hear was the strong steady heartbeat of the person developing beneath my skin and I was deliriously happy and beyond excited.
Bizarre and wonderful.
So even though I seem to be going through something of an identity crisis, and occasional deluges of self-doubt, and my body is not behaving as it has always behaved, FEAR NOT, Daniel and I are both tickled about this new adventure upon which we are embarking. Parenthood.
I think I’ll take a deep breath and go re-watch that movie now. I love the kid with the bucket on his head! – “he likes to butt things with his head”.