Sometimes I contemplate things...analyze...evaluate...hypothesize. However, rarely do these dissections into the human psyche involve exploring my own murky depths.
While in the grip of a wallowing self-pity party a couple of weeks ago, a good friend of mine who was making concerted efforts to lift my spirits, pointed out my “relationship pattern”. Up until that point, I had successfully convinced myself that in my self-proclaimed, emotionally evolved state (right!), I was above such repeating cycles of heartbreak. After all, everyone knows I’m the one who stays cool and detached (right!, again), treating the men who come and go in my life as fun and entertaining diversions. Historically, this is true…well, mostly.
My friend gently reminded me of the few men who have breached my fabricated, emotionally detached exterior (both intentionally and unintentionally) and how each of those ‘attachments’ ended. This friend is quite perceptive and his insights have since prompted me to embark on introspective digs.
Though I have tended to avoid it like an angry hornets’ nest, introspection can be a good thing (or so I’ve been told). The problem is, even though aforementioned friend pointed out my dysfunctional cycle, the more I try to figure out how to circumvent said cycle, the more I end up digging, and the more I dig, the bigger the hole gets. Pretty soon I won’t be able to see the sky from my deep, deep hole of attempted introspective self-awareness. Truly, ignorance is bliss – or at least not abysmally overwhelming. So, I think I may just re-attach my oblivious naivety armor and stumble along as usual, throwing a pity party every once in a while to soften my dysfunctional tottering, and keeping my hopelessly optimistic blinders firmly in place!
I guess we all have our own versions of 'blinders' and 'armor' as survival tactics - it's the human condition. And is it such a bad thing?