Toot! Toot!
Last Monday I became a working mother. dunh dunh - DUNH. According to much of the media, working mothers are responsible for a sizable chunk of our children's problems (like obesity, hyperactivity and bullying to name only a few). We also apparently undermine traditional family values, emasculating our husbands and confusing our children while selfishly and irresponsibly pursuing our own lofty career goals (never mind that most women with children work because they have no other financial alternative). I think we may even be responsible for the revolution in Egypt and the protests in Wisconsin.
Can't find someone to blame? Just chalk it up to working mothers!
Le sigh.
Despite the pangs of guilt jabbing at me, it was a good week. I was happy to be back doing work I enjoy with people I like. It was nice to have a conversation that didn't involve "aah-goo, ehh-brehhh, pfttt" or similarly adorable phrases that are only adorable when coming from your 3 month old. And it was surprisingly easy to get back right back into the swing of things at the office. Of course, at about 2 o'clock every day I start to miss Hector fiercely, to the point where it becomes a distraction.
Hector was a champ adjusting to our new routine and his new daytime care givers. He's generally a pretty happy baby and he was always happy when we dropped him off and happy when we picked him up. The thing that really gets the guilt juices flowing (eww) is that by the time we pick him up at 5 o'clock, he has, at the most, 2 hours of awake time before he conks out for the night.
At one point last week I became completely unglued and cried to Daniel that Hector was going to forget who were we and was going to think Lori and Jim (his day caregivers) were his parents.
All you want is the best for your kid. Who would've thought figuring out or trying to decide what is "best" would be so difficult? I've never felt so unsure about anything in my life before - not Hector himself but the choices we make for him.
A week before he started daycare, we made the decision to switch daycare facilities. Originally we were all set for him to go to a daycare center across the street from my office. A very typical child care center where he would've have been in a classroom with 7 other 3 month olds and two adults. I wasn't completely thrilled with our option, but quality infant care in Nashville is REALLY hard to come by.
And then a space opened up at a small family daycare in our neighborhood and it seemed like a sign to make the switch. So now Hector goes to Green Acres (yes, that really is the name of the daycare) during the day where he is cared for by Lori and Jim. They are retired graphic designers from LA who moved here and have been involved in early childhood education for about 10 years. They only take 5 children at a time and only from 6 weeks old to 24 months old.
We arrive in the mornings to a warm home, clean carpets, the faint smell of coffee coming from the kitchen where I put Hector's bottles for the day in the refrigerator. He is the first one to arrive in the mornings, so he gets Jim and Lori's undivided attention for an hour. Instead of feeling like we're dropping our 3 month old infant off at school, it's more like we're dropping him off at a relative's home. The feel is much softer, more organic and less institutional.
The other children include another 3 month old, a 6 month old, a 12 month old, and a 14 month old. Hazel, Maximillian, Miette, and Nora. Those are Hector's faux-siblings during the day. Miette and Nora already call Hector by his name. The "curriculum" is gentle and age appropriate and there is outdoor time everyday the weather permits.
So far, so good. I don't worry about his well being while I'm at work. I feel confident that he is in good hands.
And yet.
The articles I read online tell me to worry about Hector becoming too attached to his care givers and then suffering a sense of loss when we have to switch him to another daycare in 2 years. To worry he will feel abandoned by me once he realizes what's going on. To worry about the myriad of "behavior issues" that somehow got attributed to children spending a large amount of time at daycare.
Y'all, it's a lot to worry about and difficult to tune out. I definitely need to re-read "The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How it Has Undermined Women" by Susan Douglas and Meredith Michaels. It was a good book when I read it the first time. But I think now it will be much more relevant to my life and provide some comfort that I'm not a bad mother just because I'm a working mother.
2.27.2011
1.04.2011
Life After Birth
It's like waking up after severe trauma to a world which has changed so dramatically it's nearly unrecognizable.
Life hasn't been the same since 12:26 am on November 23rd, 2010. As many of you know, that's when Hector was cut out of my uterus by a skilled team of medical professionals at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, after nearly 47 hours of labor.
That's right. Remember that whole plan to have a low stress, unmedicated, natural birth? Yeah, that plan got fucked, and subsequently nothing has gone as I'd expected or planned. Well, nothing except that Daniel and I have a healthy and perfect little boy in our life now.
Here's how it went down:
Eleven days before my official Due Date, homeboy decided he'd had enough of being cramped in my uterus. Since I'm so far behind on updating this goddamn blog, I'm going to attempt to make a long story short.
Essentially, I was in the transition phase of labor - which is when a woman transitions from active labor to active pushing, involving a period of intense contractions that come on hard and fast, one right after the other, and typically only lasts up to about 45 minutes - for 5 excruciating hours.
The pain was UN-BEARABLE. I do not say that lightly or with any amount of drama.
Knowing we had wanted an unmedicated birth, the midwife eventually gently suggested an epidural so that I could get some rest. And by that point, I really didn't care, I just wanted the pain to stop.
The epidural is a story in and of itself. Suffice it to say, teaching hospitals are not always the best environment to be in when one is experiencing intense pain; and, my husband proved himself once again to be my champion.
So after the sweet relief of the epidural, I slept for two hours and by the time I woke up, all the stars were in alignment to PUSH that kid out. Except he wouldn't come out.
After an inspection by an OB, it was determined that homeboy had gotten himself wedged in my pelvis in a transverse position during my prolonged labor. That's when we were told the only way the kid was getting out of there alive was through surgery.
It may sound melodramatic, but this news was absolutely devastating for me. 1.) After all our meticulous preparations and being in labor for 47 hours, I felt like a complete failure. And 2.) I was beyond terrified of surgery. I had not mentally or emotionally prepared for even the possibility of surgery, and that was a huge mistake.
I'm not going to lie, the whole birth experience was beyond traumatic for me, and even now, two months later, it makes me tear up writing about it. It's a lot to process, and I have no doubt that many women suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder and post-partum depression after a difficult birth.
My life was so suddenly and so stunningly altered by this tiny human being. Besides the perfectly normal insecurities and uncertainties of caring for a helpless little person, I struggled with overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and failure. Recovering from major abdominal surgery left me physically incapable of caring for my baby the way I wanted to or felt I should be able to.
Daniel and I had requested no-separation care for Hector during our stay at the hospital, which meant that he would room-in and not be in the nursery at all. Again, failure with a capital F. We soon realized that with me being incapacitated with post-surgery limitations, and suffering from edema and spinal migraines, that we needed the help of the nursery just to get through those four days in the hospital.
The first 6 weeks post-hospital were rough, y'all. Nothing can prepare you for your first child. And maybe that's a good thing. Because without actually feeling the intense love and joy that only your newborn baby can elicit, knowledge of how new parenthood utterly destroys you, would surely deter people from procreation.
But here's the thing: It's Worth It.
Dear god, I heard that over and over from other parents during my pregnancy and I thought, "yeah yeah, I know...it's hard but it's worth it, I get it". I SO didn't get it. I don't think it's even possible to get it until you hold that baby in your arms and feel him breathing against your chest. You don't get it until he's looking at you with his big blue eyes and they crinkle up with laughter. You don't get it until he holds your pinkie finger in his hand while he eats.
Hector is now 10 weeks old and life is just getting better and better. I am becoming more confident in my abilities and Hector is adjusting beautifully to life outside the womb.
Life hasn't been the same since 12:26 am on November 23rd, 2010. As many of you know, that's when Hector was cut out of my uterus by a skilled team of medical professionals at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, after nearly 47 hours of labor.
That's right. Remember that whole plan to have a low stress, unmedicated, natural birth? Yeah, that plan got fucked, and subsequently nothing has gone as I'd expected or planned. Well, nothing except that Daniel and I have a healthy and perfect little boy in our life now.
Here's how it went down:
Eleven days before my official Due Date, homeboy decided he'd had enough of being cramped in my uterus. Since I'm so far behind on updating this goddamn blog, I'm going to attempt to make a long story short.
Essentially, I was in the transition phase of labor - which is when a woman transitions from active labor to active pushing, involving a period of intense contractions that come on hard and fast, one right after the other, and typically only lasts up to about 45 minutes - for 5 excruciating hours.
The pain was UN-BEARABLE. I do not say that lightly or with any amount of drama.
Knowing we had wanted an unmedicated birth, the midwife eventually gently suggested an epidural so that I could get some rest. And by that point, I really didn't care, I just wanted the pain to stop.
The epidural is a story in and of itself. Suffice it to say, teaching hospitals are not always the best environment to be in when one is experiencing intense pain; and, my husband proved himself once again to be my champion.
So after the sweet relief of the epidural, I slept for two hours and by the time I woke up, all the stars were in alignment to PUSH that kid out. Except he wouldn't come out.
After an inspection by an OB, it was determined that homeboy had gotten himself wedged in my pelvis in a transverse position during my prolonged labor. That's when we were told the only way the kid was getting out of there alive was through surgery.
It may sound melodramatic, but this news was absolutely devastating for me. 1.) After all our meticulous preparations and being in labor for 47 hours, I felt like a complete failure. And 2.) I was beyond terrified of surgery. I had not mentally or emotionally prepared for even the possibility of surgery, and that was a huge mistake.
I'm not going to lie, the whole birth experience was beyond traumatic for me, and even now, two months later, it makes me tear up writing about it. It's a lot to process, and I have no doubt that many women suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder and post-partum depression after a difficult birth.
My life was so suddenly and so stunningly altered by this tiny human being. Besides the perfectly normal insecurities and uncertainties of caring for a helpless little person, I struggled with overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and failure. Recovering from major abdominal surgery left me physically incapable of caring for my baby the way I wanted to or felt I should be able to.
Daniel and I had requested no-separation care for Hector during our stay at the hospital, which meant that he would room-in and not be in the nursery at all. Again, failure with a capital F. We soon realized that with me being incapacitated with post-surgery limitations, and suffering from edema and spinal migraines, that we needed the help of the nursery just to get through those four days in the hospital.
The first 6 weeks post-hospital were rough, y'all. Nothing can prepare you for your first child. And maybe that's a good thing. Because without actually feeling the intense love and joy that only your newborn baby can elicit, knowledge of how new parenthood utterly destroys you, would surely deter people from procreation.
But here's the thing: It's Worth It.
Dear god, I heard that over and over from other parents during my pregnancy and I thought, "yeah yeah, I know...it's hard but it's worth it, I get it". I SO didn't get it. I don't think it's even possible to get it until you hold that baby in your arms and feel him breathing against your chest. You don't get it until he's looking at you with his big blue eyes and they crinkle up with laughter. You don't get it until he holds your pinkie finger in his hand while he eats.
Hector is now 10 weeks old and life is just getting better and better. I am becoming more confident in my abilities and Hector is adjusting beautifully to life outside the womb.
11.15.2010
Eviction Notice
Dear Hector,
Kindly accept this letter as your official 30-day notice to vacate the premises. Even though our initial contract states December 1, 2010 as termination of your lease, we understand that developing lungs may take some extra time and are willing to allow you to stay a bit longer.
However, we must insist that you be moved out by December 15, 2010.
Though you have been a most agreeable tenant thus far, new living arrangements must be made to preserve our physical and mental health. And yours too, we would assume. Your quarters must surely be getting uncomfortably cramped, and unfortunately our policies do not allow for expansions or additions at this time.
I can assure you all will be done to make your transition as comfortable and stress-free as possible. We have a team of skilled movers ready to assist you if needed. There will be little to no paperwork for you to fill out so no need to worry about that. Preparations are completed or underway to ensure your new accommodations meet your expectations.
We completely understand that change can be a frightening and intimidating thing, but please know that you will be loved and well cared for, not only by management (ie. Mom and Dad), but by a lot of other people as well, who are excited about your upcoming move.
If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact us directly and we will do our best to soothe your concerns and answer your questions.
With love and excitement,
Management
(Dad and Mom)
Kindly accept this letter as your official 30-day notice to vacate the premises. Even though our initial contract states December 1, 2010 as termination of your lease, we understand that developing lungs may take some extra time and are willing to allow you to stay a bit longer.
However, we must insist that you be moved out by December 15, 2010.
Though you have been a most agreeable tenant thus far, new living arrangements must be made to preserve our physical and mental health. And yours too, we would assume. Your quarters must surely be getting uncomfortably cramped, and unfortunately our policies do not allow for expansions or additions at this time.
I can assure you all will be done to make your transition as comfortable and stress-free as possible. We have a team of skilled movers ready to assist you if needed. There will be little to no paperwork for you to fill out so no need to worry about that. Preparations are completed or underway to ensure your new accommodations meet your expectations.
We completely understand that change can be a frightening and intimidating thing, but please know that you will be loved and well cared for, not only by management (ie. Mom and Dad), but by a lot of other people as well, who are excited about your upcoming move.
If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact us directly and we will do our best to soothe your concerns and answer your questions.
With love and excitement,
Management
(Dad and Mom)
10.19.2010
Please Stand By
If I haven’t returned your call, text or email, I apologize.
Here’s my pathetic schedule of late:
Go to work.
Come home from work.
Eat whatever dinner Daniel puts in front of me.
Take a bath.
Read whatever pregnancy/parenting related book I’m currently reading while in the tub.
Do Hypnobabies “homeplay”.
Go to bed.
Work right now is just mentally exhausting which translates into physical exhaustion. During the week, I don’t have the energy or motivation to do ANYTHING besides the above list. And on the weekends I try to catch up on sleep and all the things I didn’t do during the week (like laundry), plus attempt to prepare for arrival of new human being.
I feel like a brood hen. I never want to go out. I don’t want to be social. I like being at home right now, focusing on my impending birth and subsequent motherhood.
Today I am 34 weeks. Which means this kid hanging out in my uterus could decide to show up anytime in the next 3 to 8 weeks.
Preparing for the arrival of our son often seems like a full-time job. I can’t imagine what it’s going to feel like once he’s actually here!
We did end up switching from my OB to a midwife and are very happy with that decision so far. I feel much more confident that we are more likely to have the kind of birth we want with a midwife rather than an OB who is bound by restrictive hospital policies.
We also found a pediatrician we like – hooray!
Our doula is lovely and encouraging and we’ll be seeing her again in a couple of weeks.
We are in the 4th week of our Hypnobabies birthing classes, which, so far, have been very calming and informative. Though there is also a lot of work involved – something I wasn’t entirely prepared for.
I finished reading the awesome book “Pushed” by Jennifer Block. Seriously, I am giving this book to every woman I know who becomes pregnant. I could hardly put it down it was so good. A lot of the information presented is infuriating, but it has also reassured and empowered me like nothing else.
The crib and changing table have been assembled. The mattress has been purchased. Clothes have been sorted and are ready for the wash.
We’re just about there, physically anyway. Still in the process of mentally and emotionally preparing, but I have a feeling there’s not much preparation you can do for an event so entirely life-changing.
Here’s my pathetic schedule of late:
Go to work.
Come home from work.
Eat whatever dinner Daniel puts in front of me.
Take a bath.
Read whatever pregnancy/parenting related book I’m currently reading while in the tub.
Do Hypnobabies “homeplay”.
Go to bed.
Work right now is just mentally exhausting which translates into physical exhaustion. During the week, I don’t have the energy or motivation to do ANYTHING besides the above list. And on the weekends I try to catch up on sleep and all the things I didn’t do during the week (like laundry), plus attempt to prepare for arrival of new human being.
I feel like a brood hen. I never want to go out. I don’t want to be social. I like being at home right now, focusing on my impending birth and subsequent motherhood.
Today I am 34 weeks. Which means this kid hanging out in my uterus could decide to show up anytime in the next 3 to 8 weeks.
Preparing for the arrival of our son often seems like a full-time job. I can’t imagine what it’s going to feel like once he’s actually here!
We did end up switching from my OB to a midwife and are very happy with that decision so far. I feel much more confident that we are more likely to have the kind of birth we want with a midwife rather than an OB who is bound by restrictive hospital policies.
We also found a pediatrician we like – hooray!
Our doula is lovely and encouraging and we’ll be seeing her again in a couple of weeks.
We are in the 4th week of our Hypnobabies birthing classes, which, so far, have been very calming and informative. Though there is also a lot of work involved – something I wasn’t entirely prepared for.
I finished reading the awesome book “Pushed” by Jennifer Block. Seriously, I am giving this book to every woman I know who becomes pregnant. I could hardly put it down it was so good. A lot of the information presented is infuriating, but it has also reassured and empowered me like nothing else.
The crib and changing table have been assembled. The mattress has been purchased. Clothes have been sorted and are ready for the wash.
We’re just about there, physically anyway. Still in the process of mentally and emotionally preparing, but I have a feeling there’s not much preparation you can do for an event so entirely life-changing.
10.07.2010
This Makes Me Sick
Okay, since obviously I'm having trouble finding time to blog about my own uninteresting life lately, I'll direct you to Tom Harper's latest blog post. I had not heard of this incident, even though it happened in the state I currently reside, and it literally made my heart sick.
Here's the link to the post: South Fulton Tennessee: The World's Most Backward Hellhole
Here's the link to the post: South Fulton Tennessee: The World's Most Backward Hellhole
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