TMI

Friends, family members and co-workers frequently ask me how I’m feeling. I typically answer their polite inquiries with something like, “I’m feeling pretty good lately. Needing a little extra sleep at night, but other than that, doing well. Thanks.” Nobody really wants to hear the gory details of being 5 months pregnant. And who the hell can blame them!? Even Daniel will sometimes give me the TMI look . . . but I just laugh and keep piling on the uncomfortable information. That’s his job, right?

So, for those of you who are genuinely interested in how I’m ACTUALLY feeling, read on. For those of you who are asking after my well-being in a genuinely friendly manner, but don’t want to hear about, know about or imagine any of the gross or personal stuff, please STOP reading right now. I beg you.

First of all, I do believe I had my very first official pregnancy craving last night. It was totally bizarre. It was about 8 o’clock. We had already eaten a dinner of spinach ravioli and red sauce. I was upstairs doing some work I had brought home from the office and I couldn’t stop fantasizing about potatoes. Plain, white, boiled potatoes. Like I was under some kind of mind control device, I walked downstairs and announced to Daniel that I needed to eat a potato. I then proceeded into the kitchen where I boiled 3 small red potatoes, skins and all. I ate them immediately, salted and smashed up a bit with my fork. Those potatoes were so freaking delicious! It was like I had never tasted anything so delicious in my entire life.

Second, all of my emotions are, like, exponentially heightened to levels of heretofore unseen crazy. Something that I used to think was sad is now the most tragic thing I have ever heard. If something before annoyed or frustrated me, now it infuriates me beyond all rationality. A touching sentiment before has become the most heartfelt thing requiring loud racking sobs. It’s ridiculous. For example, at work this morning, I overheard one of my co-workers talking to another co-worker about their respective running regimens. One has been running for a while and has done marathons and iron mans and such, and the other is overweight and just starting out. At the end of their conversation, Iron Man co-worker said, “I know you can do it Fred. You’ve got what it takes – I believe in you.” And okay, so he said it in that sort of male jokey kind of way, but I could tell he was actually sincere and being supportive, and that gesture just totally slayed me. I had to wipe away tears and swallow the lump forming in my throat. RI-DIC-U-LOUS.

Okay, for those of you who didn’t heed my previous warning and have continued to read, NOW is really the time you’ll want to close this window on your computer screen. Trust me. Otherwise you’ll know things about my pregnancy you never EVER wanted to know.

For instance, every time I brush my teeth, I vomit. I don’t get it. The nausea that I had for the first three months has completely disappeared except when A.) I wait too long to eat something, or B.) I brush my teeth. I even googled this stupid condition and apparently I am not the only pregnant woman to suffer from this oral hygiene revulsion. Sometimes it’s just a little retching and gagging . . . and then other times it’s a violent emptying of my stomach that leaves me feeling shaken and beaten up. I’ve tried non-fluoride toothpaste. I’ve tried using only a teeny tiny amount of toothpaste. I’ve tried brushing really really fast. Nothing, so far, has helped.

Moving further down the disgusting scale . . . I’ve read that there’s lots of shifting going on inside me. Like in the pelvic region to make room for the rapidly growing parasite. I think some fairly major shifting has occurred recently, because I can now FEEL my uterus when I stand up from a seated position. Freaky, right? It’s very unsettling for me.

And we’re in a downward spiral. Heartburn. I used to never have heartburn. I don’t remember exactly why this occurs when one is pregnant but I think it has something to do with the digestive system slowing down (again, most likely to accommodate the little spawn in some way) and so food doesn’t digest as quickly. It becomes much worse when you can’t burp. Why can’t I burp? I HAVE NO IDEA. To my knowledge, I have never been able to burp. It’s a medical mystery. On the bright side, I can fart. And my flatulence level has noticeably increased with being 5 months pregnant.

Also, constipation is beginning to become an issue. Again, I don’t remember why exactly this occurs, but things are slowing down, down there and it’s troublesome.

So, other than that and needing a little extra sleep at night, I'm feeling great! Thanks for asking!