ONE Gift

You know how every Christmas there’s that ONE gift? That ONE gift that outshines all other gifts? That ONE gift you weren’t expecting but is so fantastic you can hardly contain yourself? You know the gift I’m talking about. It’s the gift that embodies the spirit of the Red Rider BB Gun.

Even though it’s not quite Christmas yet, I am pretty sure I have already received that ONE gift.

I thought I had received it last week when I was given a framed copy of the cover of the magazine where some of my words had recently been put in print for the first time. I was told it was a little reminder to write more and to write often. (awwwww…) At that moment, I was convinced that incredibly thoughtful and supportive gift was my ONE gift of the season. I mean, really, how could it get any better than that?...

Well, last night we exchanged gifts and tore open carefully selected DVDs and books and picture frames, and it was good and it was fun and the room reeked with fuzzy Christmas spirit! Then Dan handed me a big box tied with green ribbon and my eyes lit up. I ripped it open and found (to my supreme delight) a piece of the Christmas In The City Christmas Village. (The Artist’s Studio and Art Gallery!).

Now, before you roll your eyes…know that I have ALWAYS been utterly enchanted with Christmas Village displays. Hopelessly enamored with the little lights and the miniature buildings in all their architectural glory…the Christmas trees and the carriages and the lamp posts…the ponds with their ice skaters and the hills with their sledders…I love it all! Brett’s mom has THE GREATEST Christmas Village collection and when I would help her set it up, along with the gleeful excitement inherent in designing and planning out a Christmas Village, there would also be a covetous gleam in my eye. So, naturally, when I tore open my very first Christmas Village building, I thought, “okay, THIS is my ONE gift for the Christmas season!”

But then, Dan said, “there’s one more thing…it’s upstairs”. So, even though I wasn’t ready to relinquish the minute and wondrous inspection of my miniature building, I scrambled up the stairs to discover a long mailing tube propped against the wall in the empty spare bedroom. I tore open the tube with a little kitchen knife assistance and lo & behold, out slides an unfamiliar looking long black tubular thing about 3 feet long. Wha-the-!? I looked to the proudly beaming tubular gift-giver with a giant question mark embedded on my forehead. ??? What is this? I politely inquired.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

“It’s a blow gun!!”

Fuck. Yeah.

Now, as you may remember from a previous post, I have received some bizarre Christmas gifts in my day. A stun gun. Mosquito netting. Waterproof matches. Snakebite kit. Car window smasher-outter-thing. A knife (and no, NOT a kitchen knife). So you see, I am no stranger to the bizarre Christmas gift. But a BLOW GUN is just awesomely, supremely, outrageously bizarre.

After recovering from my open-mouthed gape of astonishment followed by hysterical laughter, we put together the wicked looking 4” dart thingys and loaded the sucker up! First, let me explain the warnings this thing came with: This weapon can cause death. Do not point this weapon at anything you do not intend to kill. Do not inhale dart. This weapon is illegal in many states (fortunately not in Tennessee). Use leather gloves to assemble dart.

The warnings were extensive and severe but they did not stop us from rigging up a “target” (actually a large comforter doubled over and suspended from the ceiling with a shirt hung on the front – clever, no?) Standing at the farthest end of the hallway, I blew my first blow gun. And it was good.

This is not yo mamma’s blow gun! This blow gun is fast and vicious! Dan was enthusiastically listing off the specs, the maximum velocities and forces and gauges and all that stuff, but I was too enthralled with the satisfying “thunk” sound the dart made as it pierced through the target! Hee. We entertained ourselves with this weaponry for quite some time. I think I’m going to have to get myself a dart board to practice my aim…and make sure my cats are secured in my bedroom before any such target practice occurs in my apartment!

Seriously, how can anything top a BLOW GUN as the ONE Christmas gift?! In the tradition of my obsessively and acutely prepared female family members, this weapon will hold a place of honor right next to my bed…loaded up and ready to go!