Viral Complications

“It appears you have a particularly nasty strain. We’re going to have to do some more diagnostic scanning tonight. I’ll call you in the morning.”

Now don’t panic…it’s not a staph infection. And even after three days of treatment, they tell me the virus can be effectively contained and dealt with. Rest assured it is not contagious and is not fatal.

I’m referring, of course, to my computer. My work computer.

My poor companion of productivity, suffering from a viral infection for the past three days.

The ridiculously incompetent IT guys have been blundering about, running endless scans both remotely and in person while continually feeding me false hope and leaving me hanging in a fog of worry and impending doom. Just give it to me straight – if you have to dump my hard drive, then do it and stop dicking around with the scanning (and the not calling me back to give me updates on whatever the fuck you’re doing – or not doing). Golly, do I sound a tad frustrated?

Meanwhile, I have been banished to the “quiet side” of the office into an abandoned storage cubicle no larger than a spacious phone booth (and with considerably less attractive views) working on a computer which doesn’t allow me to print or make plot files, doesn’t have Revit installed on it, has no speakers (so I can’t listen to NPR) and won’t let me access my Outlook calendar. How? How does one function without their Outlook calendar!?

Seriously, I feel like Milton. “excuse me…I believe you have my stapler…”

Now, this morning, they tell me confidently that it will be fixed by Monday. I don’t believe them of course. I refuse to be lured into yet another false sense of hope by the sadistic IT monkeys. If they know, without a doubt, that my computer will be fixed by Monday then why the hell didn’t they just do whatever it is they’re going to do to fix it, on WEDNESDAY?

Lesson Learned: Do not download porn from your work computer unless you want a “particularly nasty” virus.