Well Ring-A-Ding-Ding

We have rings!

With the house renovation taking center stage in our lives right now, and on this blog, I haven't had much time to think about/talk about our upcoming nuptials.

But today, our rings arrived and I am more excited than I thought I'd be.

When Daniel and I decided to get married, I knew I didn't want anything even remotely resembling a traditional wedding. I am not and never have been on board the wedding train. I even refused Daniel's efforts to hook me up with an engagement ring - it's just not me, and fortunately, he understands that. He totally gets me. So, when I said I didn't want a wedding, he said, "we'll do whatever makes you happy...i just want you".

Rings, though...rings I want. I like the tradition of wearing circles of metal as a unifying symbol. Rings are a symbol of marriage, of partnership and commitment, and I like that.

So, I went about looking for rings. Initially, I really liked the idea of this concrete and steel ring, but the artist could only make it in one width. Plus, even though I like it now, I may not like wearing it when I'm a withered 82 year old. It seems kinda trendy...and I wanted something timeless.

But, I knew I didn't want a mass-produced ring you could just go to any jewelry store and pick up. I'm weird like that.

I don't even remember how I stumbled across this exquisite piece by turn-of-the-century, Danish metalsmith, Georg Jenson. This ring is no longer in circulation and I could only find a few online (all international dealers), but the mobius design caught my attention for it's simplicity and elegance.

I read more about the mobius strip, and the more I read, the more fitting it seemed; the more I loved it. Strong, simple design combined with mathematical theory (In case I've never mentioned it, Daniel is a HUGE math geek. Now you know.) representing "no beginning and no end". Perfect.

But, as I wasn't able to get my hot little hands on a couple of original Georg Jensen mobius rings, I started searching online for other mobius ring designs. Believe it or not, I had a difficult time finding what I wanted...until I stumbled across this wonderful artist:



Amanda Fisher is a metalsmith working out of Northborough, Massachusetts. You can look at her website here. She was awesome to work with. She went over every step of her process in creating our rings. Made us read about the different metal options to choose the right one for us. Sent us photos along the way at each step. And eventually mailed us these:



They are perfect. Perfect thickness and width and weight. Perfect color. We used a 14k palladium white gold. White gold is typically made with nickel. The palladium gives the gold a darker, steely-er color. Also, a lot of people have or develop allergic reactions to nickel...but not so with palladium.

This is Daniel's ring on my thumb - he has big fingers.





I love that they were hand-made. Just for us.

Very exciting.

A Marriage Manifesto

Or something like that.

Women. Thirty-something women. Single, thirty-something women. Intelligent, single, thirty-something, women.

We hang out.

And when we hang out (to watch LOST...or whatever), at some point, we almost always end up having the marriage conversation. Seems like the older we get, the more preoccupied we become with the subject of marriage. We discuss the pros and cons, the potential pitfalls, the sacrifices, the right and wrong ways of going about this thing called marriage. Obviously we have opinions on the subject and often we are inordinately skeptical and highly cynical of the whole marriage thing. After all, we haven’t chosen to stay single for no good reason. We have our reasons. Oh yes we do. And they are varied.

But, no matter what our individual reasons are for remaining unmarried, the marriage conversation usually boils down to some universal agreements amongst Intelligent, Single, Thirty-Something women.

Obviously, finding another human being you actually envision spending the REST OF YOUR LIFE with is a challenge. Yeah, that’s a biggie. Some may say we’re too “picky”, or too independent. But look, we see friends, co-workers, acquaintances, celebrities…people who have “settled”. People who have said, “Yep, this is the one. This is the one person I want to be with forever and ever.” And then regret it, 6 months… 6 years… 16 years, later. It’s not that we don’t trust our own judgment. But, when we’ve witnessed fellow Intelligent Single women dive into marriages that don’t work, it makes us think twice, by golly. Holy hell! If it can happen to her, it can happen to me!

It’s a matter of witnessing too many divorces, surrounded by a multitude of unhappy, dysfunctional marriages. You may think we’re anti-marriage. You would be wrong. We’re realistic. We understand that things like marriage are difficult. Marriage doesn’t “fix” any thing that’s wrong in your life. Marriage isn’t a way to become someone or something you’re not. Marriage isn’t an escape and it certainly isn’t something to be entered into lightly. We take it very seriously.

We don’t want marriage for the sake of marriage. That’s a biggie too.

Sheep we are not. We understand that marriage is not a social club. It’s not something you do because all your friends are doing it. You don’t marry someone because it’s expected. You don’t marry someone in the hopes that you’ll be more accepted by society. You don’t marry a person because you are in love with the idealized daydream of being married.

Also, we’re patient. I know that’s quite laughable coming from the most impatient person on the planet! But, it’s true. We don’t want a marriage that isn’t quite right. And we’re willing to wait for one that IS quite right – not perfect (we’re not delusional after all) – but definitely quite right. We’re willing to invest the crucial time and effort it takes to really get to know a person before we make any major, life-altering decisions. Maybe we’re overly cautious. Neurotic, even. Commitment phobic. Selfish. Negative. Cowardly. We’ve been called all of these things and worse.

We also understand that marriage isn’t a Disney fairytale. Marriage isn’t a rosy whirlwind courtship followed by a romantic proposal and a big white wedding. It’s a decision based in love, respect and trust that two adults come to together. We don't feel that is something that can (or should) happen overnight.

Marriage isn’t something you commit to because you're keen on the idea of playing the wife role in your very own mini-series. We believe marriage is committing to that person who you know ALWAYS has your back. We feel that two people in a marriage should always have each other’s best interest at heart. Marriage is not for the selfish. Not for the faint of heart. Not for the fair-weather friend.

We understand that marriage is being with someone you can depend upon - no matter what. We will not settle for anything less. If that means we will never settle, that’s something we’re okay with. Again, if it's not quite right, we don't want it. Marriage is not some kind of badge of honor we’re hoping to collect so that we “fit in”. It's a decision that requires more than blind faith.

And so that is why, (as many of you already know) Daniel and I have decided to get married. Didn't see that coming, didja?!

Neurotic, Party of One...

Daniel has been married before.

This annoys me. Why does this annoy me, you ask? Because I’m a neurotic crazy person. Duh.

Honestly, I’m not even entirely sure why it annoys me. I have dated guys before who had been married in previous lives and it never bothered me. In fact, I really couldn’t have cared less. Let’s be realistic, by the time a person gets to 32, the odds of stumbling across someone with whom you’re compatible, and either, A.) isn’t married or B.) hasn’t ever been married, are rather slim.

And it’s not like Daniel’s previous role as a husband is a fact he’s tried to hide from me. It doesn’t make me sad or jealous or angry…just…annoyed. Irrationally so? Yes of course, but that’s not the issue.

The issue, ladies and gentlemen, is that my boyfriend had a big ole traditional churchy wedding with groomsmen and flower arrangements and tuxedos and the walking down the aisle bit…and all the hoopla associated with weddings, without me. And dammit, it’s annoying.

But here’s the really stupid thing: I’m not even envious of the actual wedding. Nope. In fact I hate weddings. Don’t ever want one. Never have. Also, never been a big fan of marriage in general. Single women usually have much more interesting lives than married women, don't they? Heh. So, seriously, what’s the deal? Why does this annoy me?

Unless a person is like 16 years old, there’s bound to be some relationship history attached to a person. It’s inevitable, right? Hell, I have my own history. Granted, it doesn’t include something as monumentally important as marriage, but still. Hmm…maybe that’s my beef – the enormous weight of it. A wedding and the marriage that goes with it is a BIG FUCKING DEAL. A major, life-altering experience and he went ahead and made a decision like that without consulting me first.

So what if he didn’t even know me back then!
So what if I lived 3 states away!
So what if I wasn’t even driving yet!

He’s had that experience. Been there. Done that. And I haven’t.

And, yes, there are things that I've done that he hasn't, but nothing so incredibly important...nothing so weighty...nothing so once-in-a-lifetime.

Maybe I should go to Vegas for a weekend and get married and divorced with some sad sap just so I can say, “Ha! See? I’ve been there and done that too. So there!” Meh. Maybe not.